Snow, More Snow, and Google The Killjoy

Snow, snow, fabulous, fluffy, wonderful snow. It’s everywhere! You can’t see the pavement, the cars, the road, it’s almost covered houses.

There’s a snowman in the park that is over 8 foot tall.

Gawd, I love the snow.

Google Baby loves the snow. I have decided.

In fact, it seems everyone loves the snow. Everyone except Google, who is a great big fat killjoy.

Why?

Well, I wanted to take Google Baby out for his first foray into snow heaven. So I asked Google:

Can I take Google Baby tobogganing?

Can I roll Google Baby in the snow?

Can Google Baby build snowmen?

Can Google Baby play snow ball fights?

Can Google Baby make snow angels?

And Google said

No

No

No

No

No.

Pah.

Anyone would think Google Baby was only a few months old……

So, instead, we’ve watched the big flakes fall from the window where we also watched people slip and tumble and get hit by snowballs (*snigger*). Then we went for a very short walk so some flakes could fall on his eyelashes.

I took a disproportionate number of photos for the time we were actually outside, but it's snow and i just had to. Come on!! It's his first snowy day. And it's proper snow. Like the snow we used to have when I was a kid (gawd, I sound old...).

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow……

The photo is from ANarahari's photostream on Flickr

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to one and all!

I know, I’m a bit late but punctuality has never been a strong point of mine.

Google Baby’s first Christmas was a ‘warms the cockles of your heart’ affair. It all started with the setting out of mince pies and a beer for Father Christmas and a carrot for Rudolph. Google Baby tried to eat the mince pie and Google Daddy drank the beer in front of Google Baby and bit the carrot. So much for mystery.

It was a full on family affair and Google Baby was spoilt rotten. Google Grannie left Google Baby’s first ever Christmas stocking on the edge of his cot. Cute.

I struggled to buy Google Baby a Christmas present. Well, I say struggled, I found lots and lots of gorgeous things to buy but, so excited was I at the prospect of Google Baby seeing and playing with the new toy or book, I gave them to him early. Which left me with the problem of having nothing to wrap up and give him on Christmas day.

So I asked Google, what do you buy the baby who has everything?

And the answer? Well, apparently, it’s all about designer baby carriers.

For just over $700, you can get a Gucci baby carrier.

Expensive, yes, but, according to the website ‘for the price and possession of your life, you shouldn’t buy less than the best!’ Quite!

Not special enough? Then check out the Golden Papoose by Bill Amberg. A limited edition of 10 (are there really 10 people in the world insane enough to want to buy it?) It is, apparently, ‘A golden porter for a priceless ride.’ All for the bargain price of $1100.

Did Google Baby get one? Not a chance! In fact, his favourite present was the curly-wurly colourful ribbon on the present from his Auntie. So next year, he’ll be getting a box of them.

Going Out Without Google Baby

How to Cope on your First Trip out Without Google Baby

OK, so we’ve established that heading out avec bébé is fraught with difficulties and requires military style organization. So, surely the answer is to occasionally call on Google Grannie to baby-sit and head out without Google Baby?

Just think, you can leisurely get ready, match your shoes and bag and try on five different outfits before rushing out of the house with gay abandonment. It’s all about YOU!

Bliss!

Except, back on Planet New Mummy, of course it isn’t. It’s still all about Google Baby.

Getting ready to go out without Google Baby takes just as long as it does going out with him. You and those new friends Preparation, Planning and Packing will need to hold a board meeting with Google Grannie. Matters to discuss include:

1. Here are the bottles (Do NOT under any circumstances say, ‘The bottles are in the fridge’. Google Grannie must be escorted into the kitchen where the fridge door is opened, said bottles are pointed to and Google Grannie is told ‘Here are the bottles’).
2. Here are the nappies. (see above)
3. Here are the wipes. (see above)
4. Here is the cream. (see above)
5. Here is the change mat.
6. Here is his favourite toy.
7. Here is his favourite book.
8. Here is his favourite CD.
9. Here is his room.
10. Here is the cot.
11. Here are his clothes.
12. Here is the bathroom.
13. Here is the bath.
14. Here is the organic, baby friendly, purer than the driven snow, bubble bath.
15. Here is his face cloth.
16. Here is his towel.
17. Here is the baby monitor.
18. Here is how you turn it on.
19. Run downstairs and tell me if you can hear me.
20. Can you hear me?
21. Can you hear me now?
22. Is it not working?
23. It’s not working!
24. Shall we go to the shops and buy another one.
25. What? Oh, right, yes, go on then. Switch it on at the mains on the wall.
26. That’s it. Is it working now?
27. Can you hear me? Good.
28. I’ll have my mobile with me at all times.
29. Call me now and check it’s working.
30. I’ll phone you when we get there so keep the phone with you AT ALL TIMES.
31. I’m going!
32. Bye, bye Google Baby.
33. We love you Google Baby.
34. Ahh, look at him. Isn’t he gorgeous?
35. OK, I’m going. I am.
36. I'm going. I'm gone.

37. I'll just give her a quick call.

Etc. etc. etc.

Get the picture??

So how do you cope with this separation anxiety?

I realized I actually seriously needed help when I turned to Google to ask ‘How to Cope with Separation Anxiety’ and found that all the answers related to managing your child’s separation anxiety when you are not with them, as opposed to my separation anxiety when I’m not with him.

Needless to say, he had a great evening with Google Grannie and didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there.

Hmm…..

Photo is from CuriousArt photostream on Flickr

Heading Out With Google Baby

Getting Organised for Your First Trip out With Google Baby


Remember the good old days when you used to ‘pop out to the shops’ or ‘nip out to meet a friend for a bite to eat’ or make a ‘quick detour to the pub on your way home’?

Pop, Nip and Quick, your friends from yesteryear, have dropped you like a hot potato, traded you in for a hip young thing with the slim windows in their diary that necessitate a pop, nip and quick. Leaving you stuck with your new friends Preparation, Planning and Packing.

Here’s the reality of Your New Life: If you need to go anywhere, near or far, for minutes or hours, you need to hold a full board meeting with your new Board Members, Preparation, Planning and Packing. Here is the agreed Agenda:

1. Where are you going?
2. Who will be there?
3. What is the weather like?
4. Is the weather likely to change when you are out?
5. When did Google Baby last feed?
6. When is Google Baby’s next feed due?
7. Should we get everything ready just in case the baby wants to feed early?
8. Should we change baby’s nappy now or wait?
9. Should we pack a nappy to change baby when we’re out
10. Should we take a spare nappy in case we need to change baby again when we are out?
11. Should we taken an extra nappy just in case?
12. Or 2 extra nappies?
13. Have you packed the wipes and cream?
14. How many muslins are in the bag?
15. Should we pack a couple more in just in case?
16. Is there a change of clothes in the bag?
17. Should we pack an extra cardigan in case it gets cold?
18. Should we pack an extra blanket?
19. Shall we take that gorgeous blue elephant teddy that he (you) likes
20. And the fabric book Day at the Farm?
21. And his music cd for the car?
22. And the toy that attaches to the pram?
23. Do we need the sun shade?
24. Do we need the parasol?
25. Should we take the rain cover, just in case?
26. What about sun cream?
27. Should we put a cardigan on him now or is it ok?
28. Don’t forget the change mat?
29. And another nappy, just in case.
30. Don’t forget to pack the Dettox antibacterial ‘kills all known germs dead so leave my precious little baby alone you horrible germs’ spray
31. And some tissues
32. Have you got any money?
33. Have a look in his money box but make sure you pay it back
34. Stick an IOU in so you don’t forget
35. Or a cheque
36. Are you going to change out of your pyjamas?
37. What do you mean nothing fits you?
38. See, that outfit looks really nice. No one would know that you’ve just had a baby
39. Wait. What’s that wet mark, oh, I think you might need to change your top
40. I'll go and put this in the wash then.

41. Yes i do have to do it now as i only have two bras.
42. I think maybe I’ll feed him now before we head out.
43. And then I’ll change his nappy.
44. OK, let’s go!
45. Just put another nappy in the bag just in case


Exhausted?

Welcome to your new life!

Photo is from hey-gem on Flickr

Post Partum Amnesia

So there I was surfing the internet, when I came across a blog written by a new mum about her new baby and how she deals with all the new challenges she faces. I thought it was really good, but more than that it just seemed so relevant to me. It was as if I could have written it. And that’s when I realized that I had. It was my blog.


After congratulating myself on such a great blog, I realized that my baby brain was getting the better of me. Forgetting I had a blog was nothing compared to my other recent episodes of post partum amnesia……regularly forgetting the day of the week, forgetting I had met someone within a couple of hours of seeing them, forgetting peoples’ names, forgetting to do the house work when Google Daddy was out at work so he had to do them when he got back (ok, so maybe I didn’t actually forget that....).

It all came to a head when I went to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping one evening. I wrote a list of everything we needed (talk about super-organised!), left Google Daddy in charge of Google Baby and off I went. I whisked around the supermarket with fierce efficiency and even remembered to take the ‘Bags for Life’. So far, so good.

An hour later, I was back at home, curled up on the sofa chatting to Google Daddy with a nice cuppa. Two hours later, I was in my PJs, getting ready for Google Baby’s night feed. Two and a half hours later I was tucked up in bed.

Three hours later I was wide awake sat bolt up right in my bed trying to persuade Google Daddy to go out and get the shopping out of the car, which was parked about half a mile away as there were no spaces outside the house. It seems during the 3 minute drive home from the supermarket, I completely forgot that I’d been shopping and so merrily walked away from the car leaving the groceries festering in the boot. I was distraught. Just think of that tub of Ben and Jerry’s melting …

It was time to take action. As Google Daddy reluctantly went out to unload the car, I checked in with Google for a solution to my baby brain.

The first few results weren’t overly helpful.

Wisegeek suggested a solution of getting plenty of sleep. I suspect Wisegeek doesn’t have a newborn to care for if he thinks that plenty of sleep is likely for any new mum. But he isn’t alone. Nearly every webpage Google referred me to recommended getting lots of sleep.

But there was worse news to follow. According to a study recently published in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology, a woman's memory can be impaired for at least a year after giving birth.

A year??? That’s a lot of melted ice cream to clean out of the back of the car.

So, it looks like baby brain is here to stay. But it’s not all bad news. I remember Google Baby’s birth; the first night spent looking at each other, his trip home, his first bath, the cuddles, the happiness…. Who cares about groceries?




The picture is from ccw22's photostream on flickr.

Post Partum Party

Whoa!! Just how many people want to come and visit Google Baby?? Don’t get me wrong, sharing our bundle of joy with family and friends is great and some of the guests are actually angels in disguise. You know, the ones that make their own cups of tea, turn up with lunch, do the dishes, tell you Google Baby is the cutest baby they’ve ever seen.

And then there’s the other type of visitor. The ones that are crippled with bone idleness and overflowing with thoughtlessness. Annoying just doesn’t quite describe it.

So, how do you handle these Guest Pests? Google, give me an answer before I spread Google Baby poop on their sandwiches.

First up from Google is Dr Spock. He says limit guests to people who will really help you, and limit the time for visits from guests whom you might feel a need to entertain.

Next, Babble suggests:

- Put a clear time limit up front to avoid extended stays.
- Don't feel obliged to let anyone hold the baby unless you want them to.
- Don't feel compelled to schedule visits before you are ready.
- Don't dress for visitors. (Some even suggest staying in your PJs/robe.)
- Keep refreshments to a bare minimum.

Great advice, but, from my experience, most people turn up uninvited and if you then tell them that you don’t want them to hold the baby or change back into you your PJs, the Guest Pests will start to give each other knowing looks, followed by the whisper of ‘I don’t think she’s coping’.
I’m afraid that you are expected to be the all singing and dancing version of yourself, without exception. Anything less and you’ll firmly take your place in family history as ‘the one who got depression’.

So, what is the answer?

After some thought, I realized that Google had come up with the right answers but what it didn’t suggest was that you need someone else to implement them. Someone bossy, someone like an old hospital Ward Sister…..someone like Google Grannie. Let her protect the baby from clumsy relatives, let her take people’s cups of tea away when they’re still half full, let here tell everyone it’s time for them to leave.

The Guest Pests will look at you in horror but all you need do is shrug your shoulders and then smile sweetly as you wave them off.

Just don’t forget to say thanks to your Google Grannie..

Hometime!

HOORAY! We are being discharged!!

The Google Family is getting ready for its first trip into the big bad world – the journey home.

Google Daddy has arrived with the car seat. Google Baby is in his adorable Going Home Outfit. Google Mummy is sporting a bad hair do (no hairdryer), a great big flabby tummy, great big Momma Boobs and a great big smile. We’re ready to go.

So, what happens when we get home? What do we do with Google Baby?

I know I should Google but frankly, I’m far too knackered and want to spend the evening looking at my little boy. So, I’m cashing in one of my Wild Cards (see Rule Number 4 in The Rules!) and have arranged for Google Grannie to be in residence for the first week. Well, I have just had a baby after all……

Boy or Girl? Part Two

As we now know, Google Baby is a boy. And a gorgeous boy at that. And Google Mummy is a great big baby bore (which is why she has a blog all about him!).

Anyway, looking back at the Boy or Girl posting, which tests proved to be true and accurate?

Well, the shape of the bump and the Mayans test both said boy, so they were both right. The heartbeat test was actually pretty much right too. Looking at all the fetal heart rates that were taken, there were more heartbeat rates in the 130-140 range than 140 plus range (just one).

So, are they accurate or did they just get lucky? Who knows?!

Photo taken from 2002ttory's photostream again.

It's a Boy!

Google Baby has arrived and he’s a boy!

He’s got a mass of black hair and big blue eyes. He has the requisite 10 fingers and 10 toes, attached to lovely long limbs. He’s got the cutest nose.

We can’t stop looking at him. We can’t stop cuddling him. This feeling of love and euphoria should be bottled and given away. It really would answer the wishes of all American Beauty Pageant contestants; it would create world peace.

A friend of a friend said, of having a baby, you don’t realize there was such a gaping hole in your life until they arrive and fill it.

I couldn’t put it better myself.

Picture taken from BrooklynTweed's photostream on Flickr.

It's Time!!

Aaaaaaarrrrrggghh. It’s Time!!

OMG!

It’s happening.

It’s all going to happen today.

It’s scary.

It’s exciting.

It’s amazing.

It’s time to go to hospital.

I’ve got the bag. Google Daddy-to-be is ready and raring to go! Google Grannie-to-be is ready to wave us off.

Should I Google ‘Is this going to hurt?’

No, there’s no time, and I guess I already know the answer……..










Photo taken from Buteijn's Photostream on Flickr