Going Out Without Google Baby

How to Cope on your First Trip out Without Google Baby

OK, so we’ve established that heading out avec bébé is fraught with difficulties and requires military style organization. So, surely the answer is to occasionally call on Google Grannie to baby-sit and head out without Google Baby?

Just think, you can leisurely get ready, match your shoes and bag and try on five different outfits before rushing out of the house with gay abandonment. It’s all about YOU!

Bliss!

Except, back on Planet New Mummy, of course it isn’t. It’s still all about Google Baby.

Getting ready to go out without Google Baby takes just as long as it does going out with him. You and those new friends Preparation, Planning and Packing will need to hold a board meeting with Google Grannie. Matters to discuss include:

1. Here are the bottles (Do NOT under any circumstances say, ‘The bottles are in the fridge’. Google Grannie must be escorted into the kitchen where the fridge door is opened, said bottles are pointed to and Google Grannie is told ‘Here are the bottles’).
2. Here are the nappies. (see above)
3. Here are the wipes. (see above)
4. Here is the cream. (see above)
5. Here is the change mat.
6. Here is his favourite toy.
7. Here is his favourite book.
8. Here is his favourite CD.
9. Here is his room.
10. Here is the cot.
11. Here are his clothes.
12. Here is the bathroom.
13. Here is the bath.
14. Here is the organic, baby friendly, purer than the driven snow, bubble bath.
15. Here is his face cloth.
16. Here is his towel.
17. Here is the baby monitor.
18. Here is how you turn it on.
19. Run downstairs and tell me if you can hear me.
20. Can you hear me?
21. Can you hear me now?
22. Is it not working?
23. It’s not working!
24. Shall we go to the shops and buy another one.
25. What? Oh, right, yes, go on then. Switch it on at the mains on the wall.
26. That’s it. Is it working now?
27. Can you hear me? Good.
28. I’ll have my mobile with me at all times.
29. Call me now and check it’s working.
30. I’ll phone you when we get there so keep the phone with you AT ALL TIMES.
31. I’m going!
32. Bye, bye Google Baby.
33. We love you Google Baby.
34. Ahh, look at him. Isn’t he gorgeous?
35. OK, I’m going. I am.
36. I'm going. I'm gone.

37. I'll just give her a quick call.

Etc. etc. etc.

Get the picture??

So how do you cope with this separation anxiety?

I realized I actually seriously needed help when I turned to Google to ask ‘How to Cope with Separation Anxiety’ and found that all the answers related to managing your child’s separation anxiety when you are not with them, as opposed to my separation anxiety when I’m not with him.

Needless to say, he had a great evening with Google Grannie and didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there.

Hmm…..

Photo is from CuriousArt photostream on Flickr

Post Partum Party

Whoa!! Just how many people want to come and visit Google Baby?? Don’t get me wrong, sharing our bundle of joy with family and friends is great and some of the guests are actually angels in disguise. You know, the ones that make their own cups of tea, turn up with lunch, do the dishes, tell you Google Baby is the cutest baby they’ve ever seen.

And then there’s the other type of visitor. The ones that are crippled with bone idleness and overflowing with thoughtlessness. Annoying just doesn’t quite describe it.

So, how do you handle these Guest Pests? Google, give me an answer before I spread Google Baby poop on their sandwiches.

First up from Google is Dr Spock. He says limit guests to people who will really help you, and limit the time for visits from guests whom you might feel a need to entertain.

Next, Babble suggests:

- Put a clear time limit up front to avoid extended stays.
- Don't feel obliged to let anyone hold the baby unless you want them to.
- Don't feel compelled to schedule visits before you are ready.
- Don't dress for visitors. (Some even suggest staying in your PJs/robe.)
- Keep refreshments to a bare minimum.

Great advice, but, from my experience, most people turn up uninvited and if you then tell them that you don’t want them to hold the baby or change back into you your PJs, the Guest Pests will start to give each other knowing looks, followed by the whisper of ‘I don’t think she’s coping’.
I’m afraid that you are expected to be the all singing and dancing version of yourself, without exception. Anything less and you’ll firmly take your place in family history as ‘the one who got depression’.

So, what is the answer?

After some thought, I realized that Google had come up with the right answers but what it didn’t suggest was that you need someone else to implement them. Someone bossy, someone like an old hospital Ward Sister…..someone like Google Grannie. Let her protect the baby from clumsy relatives, let her take people’s cups of tea away when they’re still half full, let here tell everyone it’s time for them to leave.

The Guest Pests will look at you in horror but all you need do is shrug your shoulders and then smile sweetly as you wave them off.

Just don’t forget to say thanks to your Google Grannie..

Hometime!

HOORAY! We are being discharged!!

The Google Family is getting ready for its first trip into the big bad world – the journey home.

Google Daddy has arrived with the car seat. Google Baby is in his adorable Going Home Outfit. Google Mummy is sporting a bad hair do (no hairdryer), a great big flabby tummy, great big Momma Boobs and a great big smile. We’re ready to go.

So, what happens when we get home? What do we do with Google Baby?

I know I should Google but frankly, I’m far too knackered and want to spend the evening looking at my little boy. So, I’m cashing in one of my Wild Cards (see Rule Number 4 in The Rules!) and have arranged for Google Grannie to be in residence for the first week. Well, I have just had a baby after all……

It's Time!!

Aaaaaaarrrrrggghh. It’s Time!!

OMG!

It’s happening.

It’s all going to happen today.

It’s scary.

It’s exciting.

It’s amazing.

It’s time to go to hospital.

I’ve got the bag. Google Daddy-to-be is ready and raring to go! Google Grannie-to-be is ready to wave us off.

Should I Google ‘Is this going to hurt?’

No, there’s no time, and I guess I already know the answer……..










Photo taken from Buteijn's Photostream on Flickr

High Maintenance Mums

I've been getting a bit of stick from Google Daddy-to-be and Google Grannie-to-be about insisting that either Google Daddy-to-be packs my hospital bag it or we buy one ready made. I'm feeling more than a little aggrieved at this and so turned to my friend Google to see if I really am being high maintenance.

Well, it appears not! I'm positively easy going compared to the High Maintenance Mums I've been reading about.

First up is our favourite person from the Bronx, Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, she insisted her maternity room be empty for the two weeks leading up to her admittance (perhaps germs from poor people have a life span of less than two weeks?) and the room was kitted out with two plasma TV screens and leather couches. Better still, she did it all in couture hospital gowns and a coordinating robe, all designed by http://www.dearjohnnies.com/

Second on my list it Victoria Beckham. It's rumoured that she insisted that the entire floor of the hospital where she had Cruz be closed off just for her. The WHOLE FLOOR! I'm facing a stint in a ward with 3 other new mums because a private room (NB - one room, not a WHOLE FLOOR) at £625 per night at my local NHS hospital has been deemed a tad on the excessive side by Google Daddy-to-be.

Third up, it's also rumoured that Tina Hobley of Casualty fame, phoned The Ivy from her room in the Portland Hotel shortly after giving birth to her daughter and ordered a take out of 2 of their lovely shepherd's pies. I have made enquiries at the Ivy and apparently it's unlikely that they'll deliver to a non actress in an NHS hospital. Damn and blast.


I bet the Ivy in LA deliver to the Birthing Centre to the Stars aka the Cedars Sinai hospital where countless famous people have received the 5 star treatment in their multi-room bed suites whilst popping out celebrity babies whilst simultaneously negotiating multi million dollar exclusive picture rights with America’s OK! Magazine.


Suddenly, my rider of a pillow in a white Egyptian cotton pillow case (of not less that a 800 thread count), cashmere socks, Evian facial spritz, avocados and oat cakes, an M&S nightie and dressing gown, flip flops (for when I have to use the shared bathroom) and a bottle of Detox spray (to wipe the loo seat before I sit on the throne) seems positively basic!

High Maintenance? Moi??

Picture taken from HalfCrazyGirl's Photosream on Flickr

What's In Your Bag?

Right – it’s time to get serious. The due date is looming so I’ve got to get organized and to pack the hospital bag. I’m guessing I need a nightdress, toiletries, a book and a camera.

My mum, aka Google-Grannie-To-Be, laughed at this list when I told her and said at best I’d need a trashy magazine with lots of pictures and minimal text as the chances of reading a book at any stage in the foreseeable future were slim to say the least. She also said that I might want to think about packing a few things for the baby.

She is such a know it all….

Anyway, those who know me know that I don’t do packing. It’s a chore too far. I’ll organize and book holidays, but I don’t do packing. Thankfully, the husband, aka Google-Daddy-To-Be, is a LEGEND at packing. I sit and point at things that I need to take away and, hey presto, 30 minutes after we arrive at our destination, all my clothes, shoes, toiletries, bags etc are unpacked and ready to use. It really is a skill that every girl should insist on in a husband.

So, I’m hoping he’s going to extend this 'packing for holiday' skill to 'packing for hospital', although this is not without risk given that neither of us have ever stayed in hospital before so we’re not really sure what we need.

Google to the rescue! This time in the shape of Little Stork who prepare and pack your hospital bag for you. They do four different bags: Essential, Original, Deluxe and Mother of All Bags. Guess which one appeals to me?

I’m loving the going home outfits for baby and mum – and there’s even stuff for the new Daddy. It is the celebrity hospital bag du jour and apparently loved/used by Gwen Stefani, Brooke Shields, Martina McBride, Marcia Cross, Rosa Blasi, Michelle Williams and Jaime Pressly. (Does it matter that I don’t know who all those people are?).

This is an American based company, but surely there is a market for one here in the UK. I think Google-Daddy-To-Be should consider a career change….

Picture taken from Rosemea's Photostream on Flickr