Remember that feeling of love and euphoria that I described in my last post? You know, the one that I thought should be bottled and given away, convinced that it would end all wars and lead to world peace….. Well, don’t believe a word of it!
The love and euphoria is, in fact, strictly limited to your new family only. It definitely does NOT extend to the ignorant slob of a woman in the bed opposite who spent the hours of darkness impersonating (in looks and sound) a warthog with bad sinuses. The snoring was the loudest I have ever, ever heard. Worse even than Google Daddy after a night out on the beers with his Scottish pal.
And if the bloody snoring wasn’t bad enough, Ignorant Slob also decided to leave her TV on all night – just at the really irritating level….not so loud it’s blaring but loud enough to irritate the hell out of you.
And just in case you think she’s any better during waking hours, she’s not. I have never heard anyone whinge and whine and moan and complain as much as, or as loudly as, Ignorant Slob.
Today, I have heard the same tedious, and frankly not very significant, complaint at least 25 times. She has told every single person that has passed her bed or caught her eye. She’s tried with me but got short shrift. I thought this would mean a brief respite for my ears from her rough South London tones. But no, she phoned her Mum and complained to her. Again.
I turned to my friend Google, in this my darkest hour, to find a solution. It referred me to some self-help stop snoring in five easy steps type page. It proffered the genius idea of a chin strap, the theory being that it holds the snorers mouth closed when asleep so they have to breathe through her nose, et voila! No snoring.
Now, for those clever readers who are one step ahead of the game, you’ll also realize that the chin strap would also be a great way to make Ignorant Slob shut up during the day as well. Ah, Google my friend, you never let me down. Now, if only I could find a Midwife willing to tie some bandage around Ignorant Slob’s head…
And if the bloody snoring wasn’t bad enough, Ignorant Slob also decided to leave her TV on all night – just at the really irritating level….not so loud it’s blaring but loud enough to irritate the hell out of you.
And just in case you think she’s any better during waking hours, she’s not. I have never heard anyone whinge and whine and moan and complain as much as, or as loudly as, Ignorant Slob.
Today, I have heard the same tedious, and frankly not very significant, complaint at least 25 times. She has told every single person that has passed her bed or caught her eye. She’s tried with me but got short shrift. I thought this would mean a brief respite for my ears from her rough South London tones. But no, she phoned her Mum and complained to her. Again.
I turned to my friend Google, in this my darkest hour, to find a solution. It referred me to some self-help stop snoring in five easy steps type page. It proffered the genius idea of a chin strap, the theory being that it holds the snorers mouth closed when asleep so they have to breathe through her nose, et voila! No snoring.
Now, for those clever readers who are one step ahead of the game, you’ll also realize that the chin strap would also be a great way to make Ignorant Slob shut up during the day as well. Ah, Google my friend, you never let me down. Now, if only I could find a Midwife willing to tie some bandage around Ignorant Slob’s head…
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