Let Your Hair Down

Where Has All My Hair Gone?

I’ve never been blessed with Good Hair. Every day is an average to bad hair day for me.

My parents both have (well, once upon a time had) jet black hair.

Google Grannie’s hair is thick and bouncy.

I was bald until I was about 2 years old and then had wispy thin blonde hair which gradually evolved into wispy thin mousey brown hair.

Yuk.

On the bright side, I benefit from only having to have my legs waxed every 8 weeks, so long does it take for the thin wispy leg hairs to make an appearance.

When I was pregnant with Google Baby, I was beside myself with excitement and anticipation for the day I woke with the promised thick and bouncy pregnancy hair.

Alas, that day never arrived.

So imagine my utter horror and dismay when, a few weeks ago when I was washing my hair, rather than suds floating to the floor, clumps of hair began their merry descent down the plug hole.

AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

This went on, every shower time, for nearly two weeks.

Google! Help!

Google directed me to the inventor of the phrase ‘Bad Hair Day’ Philip Kingsley. Philip is no lowly hairdresser. Tch! The very thought! Phil is a Trichologist. Described by the New York Times as ’The Hair Guru’, US Vogue as ’The Hair Wizard’ and the Sunday Times as ’The Hair Doctor’, I had a feeling that Google had come up trumps with this guy.

The lovely Philip tells me that post partum or post natal alopecia is an example of telogen effluvium. Of course, I thought. Bloody telogen effluvium!

Apparently, it happens to 50% of new mums. Oh lucky, lucky me. But Philip was quick to reassure me that the hair will grow back. All I need to do is wash and condition my hair with his products. What a relief (and a coincidence!).

And if it all doesn’t work? Ruby Warrington has an even better idea. Get my post partum ass down to Vicki Ullah’s Wig Boudoir at the Urban Spa, Harrods. Apparently, 2009 is all about faking it, dahhling!




Picture is from mt.MT.Mt’s photostream

Going Out Without Google Baby

How to Cope on your First Trip out Without Google Baby

OK, so we’ve established that heading out avec bébé is fraught with difficulties and requires military style organization. So, surely the answer is to occasionally call on Google Grannie to baby-sit and head out without Google Baby?

Just think, you can leisurely get ready, match your shoes and bag and try on five different outfits before rushing out of the house with gay abandonment. It’s all about YOU!

Bliss!

Except, back on Planet New Mummy, of course it isn’t. It’s still all about Google Baby.

Getting ready to go out without Google Baby takes just as long as it does going out with him. You and those new friends Preparation, Planning and Packing will need to hold a board meeting with Google Grannie. Matters to discuss include:

1. Here are the bottles (Do NOT under any circumstances say, ‘The bottles are in the fridge’. Google Grannie must be escorted into the kitchen where the fridge door is opened, said bottles are pointed to and Google Grannie is told ‘Here are the bottles’).
2. Here are the nappies. (see above)
3. Here are the wipes. (see above)
4. Here is the cream. (see above)
5. Here is the change mat.
6. Here is his favourite toy.
7. Here is his favourite book.
8. Here is his favourite CD.
9. Here is his room.
10. Here is the cot.
11. Here are his clothes.
12. Here is the bathroom.
13. Here is the bath.
14. Here is the organic, baby friendly, purer than the driven snow, bubble bath.
15. Here is his face cloth.
16. Here is his towel.
17. Here is the baby monitor.
18. Here is how you turn it on.
19. Run downstairs and tell me if you can hear me.
20. Can you hear me?
21. Can you hear me now?
22. Is it not working?
23. It’s not working!
24. Shall we go to the shops and buy another one.
25. What? Oh, right, yes, go on then. Switch it on at the mains on the wall.
26. That’s it. Is it working now?
27. Can you hear me? Good.
28. I’ll have my mobile with me at all times.
29. Call me now and check it’s working.
30. I’ll phone you when we get there so keep the phone with you AT ALL TIMES.
31. I’m going!
32. Bye, bye Google Baby.
33. We love you Google Baby.
34. Ahh, look at him. Isn’t he gorgeous?
35. OK, I’m going. I am.
36. I'm going. I'm gone.

37. I'll just give her a quick call.

Etc. etc. etc.

Get the picture??

So how do you cope with this separation anxiety?

I realized I actually seriously needed help when I turned to Google to ask ‘How to Cope with Separation Anxiety’ and found that all the answers related to managing your child’s separation anxiety when you are not with them, as opposed to my separation anxiety when I’m not with him.

Needless to say, he had a great evening with Google Grannie and didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there.

Hmm…..

Photo is from CuriousArt photostream on Flickr

Heading Out With Google Baby

Getting Organised for Your First Trip out With Google Baby


Remember the good old days when you used to ‘pop out to the shops’ or ‘nip out to meet a friend for a bite to eat’ or make a ‘quick detour to the pub on your way home’?

Pop, Nip and Quick, your friends from yesteryear, have dropped you like a hot potato, traded you in for a hip young thing with the slim windows in their diary that necessitate a pop, nip and quick. Leaving you stuck with your new friends Preparation, Planning and Packing.

Here’s the reality of Your New Life: If you need to go anywhere, near or far, for minutes or hours, you need to hold a full board meeting with your new Board Members, Preparation, Planning and Packing. Here is the agreed Agenda:

1. Where are you going?
2. Who will be there?
3. What is the weather like?
4. Is the weather likely to change when you are out?
5. When did Google Baby last feed?
6. When is Google Baby’s next feed due?
7. Should we get everything ready just in case the baby wants to feed early?
8. Should we change baby’s nappy now or wait?
9. Should we pack a nappy to change baby when we’re out
10. Should we take a spare nappy in case we need to change baby again when we are out?
11. Should we taken an extra nappy just in case?
12. Or 2 extra nappies?
13. Have you packed the wipes and cream?
14. How many muslins are in the bag?
15. Should we pack a couple more in just in case?
16. Is there a change of clothes in the bag?
17. Should we pack an extra cardigan in case it gets cold?
18. Should we pack an extra blanket?
19. Shall we take that gorgeous blue elephant teddy that he (you) likes
20. And the fabric book Day at the Farm?
21. And his music cd for the car?
22. And the toy that attaches to the pram?
23. Do we need the sun shade?
24. Do we need the parasol?
25. Should we take the rain cover, just in case?
26. What about sun cream?
27. Should we put a cardigan on him now or is it ok?
28. Don’t forget the change mat?
29. And another nappy, just in case.
30. Don’t forget to pack the Dettox antibacterial ‘kills all known germs dead so leave my precious little baby alone you horrible germs’ spray
31. And some tissues
32. Have you got any money?
33. Have a look in his money box but make sure you pay it back
34. Stick an IOU in so you don’t forget
35. Or a cheque
36. Are you going to change out of your pyjamas?
37. What do you mean nothing fits you?
38. See, that outfit looks really nice. No one would know that you’ve just had a baby
39. Wait. What’s that wet mark, oh, I think you might need to change your top
40. I'll go and put this in the wash then.

41. Yes i do have to do it now as i only have two bras.
42. I think maybe I’ll feed him now before we head out.
43. And then I’ll change his nappy.
44. OK, let’s go!
45. Just put another nappy in the bag just in case


Exhausted?

Welcome to your new life!

Photo is from hey-gem on Flickr

Post Partum Amnesia

So there I was surfing the internet, when I came across a blog written by a new mum about her new baby and how she deals with all the new challenges she faces. I thought it was really good, but more than that it just seemed so relevant to me. It was as if I could have written it. And that’s when I realized that I had. It was my blog.


After congratulating myself on such a great blog, I realized that my baby brain was getting the better of me. Forgetting I had a blog was nothing compared to my other recent episodes of post partum amnesia……regularly forgetting the day of the week, forgetting I had met someone within a couple of hours of seeing them, forgetting peoples’ names, forgetting to do the house work when Google Daddy was out at work so he had to do them when he got back (ok, so maybe I didn’t actually forget that....).

It all came to a head when I went to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping one evening. I wrote a list of everything we needed (talk about super-organised!), left Google Daddy in charge of Google Baby and off I went. I whisked around the supermarket with fierce efficiency and even remembered to take the ‘Bags for Life’. So far, so good.

An hour later, I was back at home, curled up on the sofa chatting to Google Daddy with a nice cuppa. Two hours later, I was in my PJs, getting ready for Google Baby’s night feed. Two and a half hours later I was tucked up in bed.

Three hours later I was wide awake sat bolt up right in my bed trying to persuade Google Daddy to go out and get the shopping out of the car, which was parked about half a mile away as there were no spaces outside the house. It seems during the 3 minute drive home from the supermarket, I completely forgot that I’d been shopping and so merrily walked away from the car leaving the groceries festering in the boot. I was distraught. Just think of that tub of Ben and Jerry’s melting …

It was time to take action. As Google Daddy reluctantly went out to unload the car, I checked in with Google for a solution to my baby brain.

The first few results weren’t overly helpful.

Wisegeek suggested a solution of getting plenty of sleep. I suspect Wisegeek doesn’t have a newborn to care for if he thinks that plenty of sleep is likely for any new mum. But he isn’t alone. Nearly every webpage Google referred me to recommended getting lots of sleep.

But there was worse news to follow. According to a study recently published in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology, a woman's memory can be impaired for at least a year after giving birth.

A year??? That’s a lot of melted ice cream to clean out of the back of the car.

So, it looks like baby brain is here to stay. But it’s not all bad news. I remember Google Baby’s birth; the first night spent looking at each other, his trip home, his first bath, the cuddles, the happiness…. Who cares about groceries?




The picture is from ccw22's photostream on flickr.

Post Partum Party

Whoa!! Just how many people want to come and visit Google Baby?? Don’t get me wrong, sharing our bundle of joy with family and friends is great and some of the guests are actually angels in disguise. You know, the ones that make their own cups of tea, turn up with lunch, do the dishes, tell you Google Baby is the cutest baby they’ve ever seen.

And then there’s the other type of visitor. The ones that are crippled with bone idleness and overflowing with thoughtlessness. Annoying just doesn’t quite describe it.

So, how do you handle these Guest Pests? Google, give me an answer before I spread Google Baby poop on their sandwiches.

First up from Google is Dr Spock. He says limit guests to people who will really help you, and limit the time for visits from guests whom you might feel a need to entertain.

Next, Babble suggests:

- Put a clear time limit up front to avoid extended stays.
- Don't feel obliged to let anyone hold the baby unless you want them to.
- Don't feel compelled to schedule visits before you are ready.
- Don't dress for visitors. (Some even suggest staying in your PJs/robe.)
- Keep refreshments to a bare minimum.

Great advice, but, from my experience, most people turn up uninvited and if you then tell them that you don’t want them to hold the baby or change back into you your PJs, the Guest Pests will start to give each other knowing looks, followed by the whisper of ‘I don’t think she’s coping’.
I’m afraid that you are expected to be the all singing and dancing version of yourself, without exception. Anything less and you’ll firmly take your place in family history as ‘the one who got depression’.

So, what is the answer?

After some thought, I realized that Google had come up with the right answers but what it didn’t suggest was that you need someone else to implement them. Someone bossy, someone like an old hospital Ward Sister…..someone like Google Grannie. Let her protect the baby from clumsy relatives, let her take people’s cups of tea away when they’re still half full, let here tell everyone it’s time for them to leave.

The Guest Pests will look at you in horror but all you need do is shrug your shoulders and then smile sweetly as you wave them off.

Just don’t forget to say thanks to your Google Grannie..

Hometime!

HOORAY! We are being discharged!!

The Google Family is getting ready for its first trip into the big bad world – the journey home.

Google Daddy has arrived with the car seat. Google Baby is in his adorable Going Home Outfit. Google Mummy is sporting a bad hair do (no hairdryer), a great big flabby tummy, great big Momma Boobs and a great big smile. We’re ready to go.

So, what happens when we get home? What do we do with Google Baby?

I know I should Google but frankly, I’m far too knackered and want to spend the evening looking at my little boy. So, I’m cashing in one of my Wild Cards (see Rule Number 4 in The Rules!) and have arranged for Google Grannie to be in residence for the first week. Well, I have just had a baby after all……

Boy or Girl? Part Two

As we now know, Google Baby is a boy. And a gorgeous boy at that. And Google Mummy is a great big baby bore (which is why she has a blog all about him!).

Anyway, looking back at the Boy or Girl posting, which tests proved to be true and accurate?

Well, the shape of the bump and the Mayans test both said boy, so they were both right. The heartbeat test was actually pretty much right too. Looking at all the fetal heart rates that were taken, there were more heartbeat rates in the 130-140 range than 140 plus range (just one).

So, are they accurate or did they just get lucky? Who knows?!

Photo taken from 2002ttory's photostream again.

Love & Euphoria

Remember that feeling of love and euphoria that I described in my last post? You know, the one that I thought should be bottled and given away, convinced that it would end all wars and lead to world peace….. Well, don’t believe a word of it!

The love and euphoria is, in fact, strictly limited to your new family only. It definitely does NOT extend to the ignorant slob of a woman in the bed opposite who spent the hours of darkness impersonating (in looks and sound) a warthog with bad sinuses. The snoring was the loudest I have ever, ever heard. Worse even than Google Daddy after a night out on the beers with his Scottish pal.

And if the bloody snoring wasn’t bad enough, Ignorant Slob also decided to leave her TV on all night – just at the really irritating level….not so loud it’s blaring but loud enough to irritate the hell out of you.

And just in case you think she’s any better during waking hours, she’s not. I have never heard anyone whinge and whine and moan and complain as much as, or as loudly as, Ignorant Slob.

Today, I have heard the same tedious, and frankly not very significant, complaint at least 25 times. She has told every single person that has passed her bed or caught her eye. She’s tried with me but got short shrift. I thought this would mean a brief respite for my ears from her rough South London tones. But no, she phoned her Mum and complained to her. Again.

I turned to my friend Google, in this my darkest hour, to find a solution. It referred me to some self-help stop snoring in five easy steps type page. It proffered the genius idea of a chin strap, the theory being that it holds the snorers mouth closed when asleep so they have to breathe through her nose, et voila! No snoring.

Now, for those clever readers who are one step ahead of the game, you’ll also realize that the chin strap would also be a great way to make Ignorant Slob shut up during the day as well. Ah, Google my friend, you never let me down. Now, if only I could find a Midwife willing to tie some bandage around Ignorant Slob’s head…

Photo taken from Sujathanfan's photostream on Flickr.

It's a Boy!

Google Baby has arrived and he’s a boy!

He’s got a mass of black hair and big blue eyes. He has the requisite 10 fingers and 10 toes, attached to lovely long limbs. He’s got the cutest nose.

We can’t stop looking at him. We can’t stop cuddling him. This feeling of love and euphoria should be bottled and given away. It really would answer the wishes of all American Beauty Pageant contestants; it would create world peace.

A friend of a friend said, of having a baby, you don’t realize there was such a gaping hole in your life until they arrive and fill it.

I couldn’t put it better myself.

Picture taken from BrooklynTweed's photostream on Flickr.

It's Time!!

Aaaaaaarrrrrggghh. It’s Time!!

OMG!

It’s happening.

It’s all going to happen today.

It’s scary.

It’s exciting.

It’s amazing.

It’s time to go to hospital.

I’ve got the bag. Google Daddy-to-be is ready and raring to go! Google Grannie-to-be is ready to wave us off.

Should I Google ‘Is this going to hurt?’

No, there’s no time, and I guess I already know the answer……..










Photo taken from Buteijn's Photostream on Flickr

High Maintenance Mums

I've been getting a bit of stick from Google Daddy-to-be and Google Grannie-to-be about insisting that either Google Daddy-to-be packs my hospital bag it or we buy one ready made. I'm feeling more than a little aggrieved at this and so turned to my friend Google to see if I really am being high maintenance.

Well, it appears not! I'm positively easy going compared to the High Maintenance Mums I've been reading about.

First up is our favourite person from the Bronx, Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, she insisted her maternity room be empty for the two weeks leading up to her admittance (perhaps germs from poor people have a life span of less than two weeks?) and the room was kitted out with two plasma TV screens and leather couches. Better still, she did it all in couture hospital gowns and a coordinating robe, all designed by http://www.dearjohnnies.com/

Second on my list it Victoria Beckham. It's rumoured that she insisted that the entire floor of the hospital where she had Cruz be closed off just for her. The WHOLE FLOOR! I'm facing a stint in a ward with 3 other new mums because a private room (NB - one room, not a WHOLE FLOOR) at £625 per night at my local NHS hospital has been deemed a tad on the excessive side by Google Daddy-to-be.

Third up, it's also rumoured that Tina Hobley of Casualty fame, phoned The Ivy from her room in the Portland Hotel shortly after giving birth to her daughter and ordered a take out of 2 of their lovely shepherd's pies. I have made enquiries at the Ivy and apparently it's unlikely that they'll deliver to a non actress in an NHS hospital. Damn and blast.


I bet the Ivy in LA deliver to the Birthing Centre to the Stars aka the Cedars Sinai hospital where countless famous people have received the 5 star treatment in their multi-room bed suites whilst popping out celebrity babies whilst simultaneously negotiating multi million dollar exclusive picture rights with America’s OK! Magazine.


Suddenly, my rider of a pillow in a white Egyptian cotton pillow case (of not less that a 800 thread count), cashmere socks, Evian facial spritz, avocados and oat cakes, an M&S nightie and dressing gown, flip flops (for when I have to use the shared bathroom) and a bottle of Detox spray (to wipe the loo seat before I sit on the throne) seems positively basic!

High Maintenance? Moi??

Picture taken from HalfCrazyGirl's Photosream on Flickr

What's In Your Bag?

Right – it’s time to get serious. The due date is looming so I’ve got to get organized and to pack the hospital bag. I’m guessing I need a nightdress, toiletries, a book and a camera.

My mum, aka Google-Grannie-To-Be, laughed at this list when I told her and said at best I’d need a trashy magazine with lots of pictures and minimal text as the chances of reading a book at any stage in the foreseeable future were slim to say the least. She also said that I might want to think about packing a few things for the baby.

She is such a know it all….

Anyway, those who know me know that I don’t do packing. It’s a chore too far. I’ll organize and book holidays, but I don’t do packing. Thankfully, the husband, aka Google-Daddy-To-Be, is a LEGEND at packing. I sit and point at things that I need to take away and, hey presto, 30 minutes after we arrive at our destination, all my clothes, shoes, toiletries, bags etc are unpacked and ready to use. It really is a skill that every girl should insist on in a husband.

So, I’m hoping he’s going to extend this 'packing for holiday' skill to 'packing for hospital', although this is not without risk given that neither of us have ever stayed in hospital before so we’re not really sure what we need.

Google to the rescue! This time in the shape of Little Stork who prepare and pack your hospital bag for you. They do four different bags: Essential, Original, Deluxe and Mother of All Bags. Guess which one appeals to me?

I’m loving the going home outfits for baby and mum – and there’s even stuff for the new Daddy. It is the celebrity hospital bag du jour and apparently loved/used by Gwen Stefani, Brooke Shields, Martina McBride, Marcia Cross, Rosa Blasi, Michelle Williams and Jaime Pressly. (Does it matter that I don’t know who all those people are?).

This is an American based company, but surely there is a market for one here in the UK. I think Google-Daddy-To-Be should consider a career change….

Picture taken from Rosemea's Photostream on Flickr

Boy or Girl? Part One.

If I had a pound every time someone asked me ‘Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?’ during my pregnancy, then I would never need to go back to work. Surprisingly, most people have been really irritated when I tell them I don’t know. Their initial response is disbelief, so they ask again. When they realize that you really don’t know, then they ask ‘Did you not find out at your 20 week scan?’. Erm, still no!

Anyway, if I had found out at the 20 week scan then I would have missed out on the constant speculation by random people as to whether it is a boy or a girl. If I had a pound every time someone told me ‘It is definitely a girl’ or ‘It’s definitely a boy’ then my husband and I would both be able to give up work.

Still, I love hearing all the different old wives tales that are apparent indicators as to whether you’re having a boy or a girl. Some of my faves are:

Shape of your bump. If your bump is all at the front and high, it’s a boy. If you have gone lardy all around, including not just your belly but also your back and arse, it’s a girl. Hmm, not sure about this one! What if you were lardy to start off with? What if your baby engages early and so sits low? My bump is all at the front and quite high, so this means boy, but then my baby is currently in breech position and hasn’t engaged. Surely that is a more credible reason for the bump being all front and high!

The Mayan Method. The Mayans determined the sex of the baby by taking the mother's age at conception, and the year of conception. If both are even or both are odd, it's a girl. If one is even and one odd it's a boy. I’m 34 and conceived in 2007. So this one says it’s a boy.

Heartbeat of the baby. The fetal heart beat, as taken by your midwife in your antenatal appointments, is apparently a great indicator of the sex of the baby. 140 beats per minute and below means it’s a boy and 140 and above means it’s a girl. According to my midwife, there is some mileage in this! So get checking your antenatal book! My baby’s heart rate has been in both the 130 and 140+ range so he/she isn’t giving much away!

The swinging wedding ring. A wedding ring suspended on a chain over your stomach will swing either side to side or in a circle to indicate boy or girl. A few of my friends have done this on me. One couldn’t remember if circle meant boy or girl, the other said circle for boy and side to side for girl and the last one side circle for girl and side to side for boy! So, in the face of such utter confusion, I turned to Google to find the answer.
Now, I assumed that this confusion spoke volumes about by friends rather than the test but apparently not! This confusion has been validated by Google! I found three separate articles about this, two of which said side to side meant boy and one of which said it meant girl. Best we ignore this one then!

But!!!! More importantly, when I was having a scoot on Google for boy –v- girl tests, I did find the IntelliGender Gender Prediction Test.

How good is this?? Pee on a stick and in less than 10 minutes, you’ll find out if it’s a boy or a girl! It’s witchcraft!

Apparently, yellow/orange means girls and smoky green means boy (that’s smoky green, not just green, mind!). I can’t help thinking that if they were REALLY clever, it’d be pink for a girl and blue for a boy, but maybe I’m going a bit too far there.

Unfortunately, I’m passed the 33 week time scale but for all you ladies that aren’t – order it, have a go and let me know once you’re baby arrives if it worked!

Photo taken from 2002ttory's photostream on Flickr

Parenting The Google Way Begins

My first problem to Google has two parts:

Part One - Why Are So Many People Stupid?

Part Two - Said Stupid People have asked me “What on earth will you do when you’re off work before the baby arrives. Won’t you be bored?”

Erm.
Dur!
Hello??

Free time. Away from work. Whilst still being paid.
Bored??
ARE YOU INSANE???

Time off on maternity leave before the baby arrives is fabulous!

Admittedly, I’m big and fat and slow and need to take regular rests but that’s what’s so great about shops, restaurants and coffee shops. No one challenges a pregnant lady. I had a lie down on a bed in a posh department store the other day. I lay there, propped up by countless fluffy pillows and read my book and drank a bottle of water. I chilled out for about 20 minutes. Did anyone bother me? Not a chance! The bump repels people! They are scared you'll cry or go into labour!

Anyway, I digress. I was talking about stupid people. I Googled 'Why are some people stupid' and I’m afraid Google did not enlighten me much. But, it’s not really a parenting question, so I’ll let it off.

So, then I Googled, ‘What to do on maternity before baby arrives’.

Apparently, there are LOTS of stupid people in the world as Google came back with pages and pages of hits on what to do. One article at Babyzone.com came up with a whole host of ideas, which fell into two categories. (1) The Obvious and (2) The Ridiculous. You can read the whole article here

But to surmise….

(1) The Obvious

· Soak in a bath. Put lots of oils in and make like a hippo in the midday sun and wallow in the water.

· Indulge in a favourite hobby/pastime. Yes – you read it right. GO SHOPPING

· Plan a picnic. AKA eat lots of food.

· Catch up with friends. The natural balance of friendship returns. They still secretly think you look fat even though they say you are blooming. You don't give a stuff what they think as you no longer have to go to work and they do. Mwaaaa haaa haaaa haaaaaa.

· Have a good laugh. See above.

· Buy a nursing bra. There's no excuse for saggy boobs, ladies. Get it sorted.

· Visit the hairdressers. Go on. Get your hair dyed purple just for a laugh and blame it on your hormones.

· Have a manicure and pedicure.

· Have a massage. Just make sure the person knows what they are doing!

· Sleep. Yes, yes, yes, yes! Marvellous idea. Stock up on it while you can!


(2) The Ridiculous

· Meditation. Why oh why does everyone insist of peddling this myth that as soon you become pregnant you turn into this serene tree hugging earth mother with nothing better to do than meditate. Forget it. If you didn't meditate before, don't start now. Go shopping instead.

· Go to the Movies. Erm, really? Have you tried sitting in a confined space with a big belly ? Aching bum and dead legs here you come!

· Go on a hot date/romantic vacation. Seriously ladies, now is not the time to embark on an illicit affair. Nor is it likely that any airline will let you on a plane in your current state.

· Take Care of Business. Huh? You're pregnant. DELEGATE, DELEGATE, DELEGATE!


Tune in next time for a, hopefully, more challenging and interesting problem. Until then, get out and enjoy yourself!

Photo is from Women, Fire & Dangerous Things' photostream on Flickr and i think it's hilarious.

The Rules

Blagging motherhood is fractionally more serious than blagging in the business world so I’ve decided there have to be rules.

So, here they are:

1. All problems and queries must be Googled.


2. Once a solution is found via Google, it is OK to then diversify and look at other websites/books etc, but not before.

3. Clearly, these rules do not apply to medical emergencies

4. Unquestionably, I’m allowed a certain number of wild cards – i.e. I can phone my mum rather than Google if I’m knackered/hormonal/PMT/can’t be arsed Googling.


5. My husband is not allowed to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour because I am Parenting the Google Way.




6. I accept no responsibility whatsoever for the correctness or suitability of my, or Google's, suggestions and answers and will not be held accountable for any criticism you receive from health visitors. However, should they prove to be incredibly successful, I fully expect to receive all credit and praise via Comments.



7. Finally, it’s my blog and it’s my baby so all rules are subject to change at my discretion, should

I have the energy / be able to stay awake long enough to think of any new ones.





Image taken from Charith's photostream on Flickr.

Image on last blog taken from Emomilk's photostream on Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/emoware/

A Professional Blagger Blogs

I am a blagger. It’s my job. It should really be written on my business card. Professional Blagger BA Hons (Blagging). It’s what I do to pay the bills, but more than that, I do it because it’s fun and I enjoy it. For some reason, pretty much out of thin air, me and my friend Google come up with solutions for businesses all at a phenomenal cost. It’s not difficult. You really don’t need to know much about anything really. As Malcolm Forbes once said “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem”. Well, that pretty much sums up me and my job!

But my 9-5 is about to change.

In the next few weeks, I will, for 12 months, hang up my Professional Blagging Boots and instead become a full time mother. Yes, reader, I am about to walk away from the security of a slightly deranged but the ‘devil I know ‘office environment and walk blindly into my new role of motherhood.

When I first found out about the pregnancy, I took it as a sign to grow up and be serious. Time to stop making things up and blagging my way through life.

So, off I went to the book shop to find out how to raise a baby. There’s something about reading a book about that feels just……right. Like being at school. It makes sense that whatever is in the book is gospel. That’s it, it’s like the bible. It’s got to be right if it’s in a book.

Except, of course, it isn’t. Authors blag more than I do! You can say anything in a book and get away with it. Talk about confusing. Gina says this…. Dr Spock says that… Miriam says the other.. Supernanny says something altogether different… Aarrgh!

So, let’s rule out the pregnancy and parenting books. All of them. If they are full of blag then who’s to say that I can’t do better? Can I, a professional blagger, find the answers to successfully get through the first year of my baby’s life? Can I, armed with my trusty lap top, get through each dilemma and distraction the baby throws my way? Can Google give me the answer to every baby rearing dilemma?

We are about to find out……