Love & Euphoria

Remember that feeling of love and euphoria that I described in my last post? You know, the one that I thought should be bottled and given away, convinced that it would end all wars and lead to world peace….. Well, don’t believe a word of it!

The love and euphoria is, in fact, strictly limited to your new family only. It definitely does NOT extend to the ignorant slob of a woman in the bed opposite who spent the hours of darkness impersonating (in looks and sound) a warthog with bad sinuses. The snoring was the loudest I have ever, ever heard. Worse even than Google Daddy after a night out on the beers with his Scottish pal.

And if the bloody snoring wasn’t bad enough, Ignorant Slob also decided to leave her TV on all night – just at the really irritating level….not so loud it’s blaring but loud enough to irritate the hell out of you.

And just in case you think she’s any better during waking hours, she’s not. I have never heard anyone whinge and whine and moan and complain as much as, or as loudly as, Ignorant Slob.

Today, I have heard the same tedious, and frankly not very significant, complaint at least 25 times. She has told every single person that has passed her bed or caught her eye. She’s tried with me but got short shrift. I thought this would mean a brief respite for my ears from her rough South London tones. But no, she phoned her Mum and complained to her. Again.

I turned to my friend Google, in this my darkest hour, to find a solution. It referred me to some self-help stop snoring in five easy steps type page. It proffered the genius idea of a chin strap, the theory being that it holds the snorers mouth closed when asleep so they have to breathe through her nose, et voila! No snoring.

Now, for those clever readers who are one step ahead of the game, you’ll also realize that the chin strap would also be a great way to make Ignorant Slob shut up during the day as well. Ah, Google my friend, you never let me down. Now, if only I could find a Midwife willing to tie some bandage around Ignorant Slob’s head…

Photo taken from Sujathanfan's photostream on Flickr.

It's a Boy!

Google Baby has arrived and he’s a boy!

He’s got a mass of black hair and big blue eyes. He has the requisite 10 fingers and 10 toes, attached to lovely long limbs. He’s got the cutest nose.

We can’t stop looking at him. We can’t stop cuddling him. This feeling of love and euphoria should be bottled and given away. It really would answer the wishes of all American Beauty Pageant contestants; it would create world peace.

A friend of a friend said, of having a baby, you don’t realize there was such a gaping hole in your life until they arrive and fill it.

I couldn’t put it better myself.

Picture taken from BrooklynTweed's photostream on Flickr.

It's Time!!

Aaaaaaarrrrrggghh. It’s Time!!

OMG!

It’s happening.

It’s all going to happen today.

It’s scary.

It’s exciting.

It’s amazing.

It’s time to go to hospital.

I’ve got the bag. Google Daddy-to-be is ready and raring to go! Google Grannie-to-be is ready to wave us off.

Should I Google ‘Is this going to hurt?’

No, there’s no time, and I guess I already know the answer……..










Photo taken from Buteijn's Photostream on Flickr

High Maintenance Mums

I've been getting a bit of stick from Google Daddy-to-be and Google Grannie-to-be about insisting that either Google Daddy-to-be packs my hospital bag it or we buy one ready made. I'm feeling more than a little aggrieved at this and so turned to my friend Google to see if I really am being high maintenance.

Well, it appears not! I'm positively easy going compared to the High Maintenance Mums I've been reading about.

First up is our favourite person from the Bronx, Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, she insisted her maternity room be empty for the two weeks leading up to her admittance (perhaps germs from poor people have a life span of less than two weeks?) and the room was kitted out with two plasma TV screens and leather couches. Better still, she did it all in couture hospital gowns and a coordinating robe, all designed by http://www.dearjohnnies.com/

Second on my list it Victoria Beckham. It's rumoured that she insisted that the entire floor of the hospital where she had Cruz be closed off just for her. The WHOLE FLOOR! I'm facing a stint in a ward with 3 other new mums because a private room (NB - one room, not a WHOLE FLOOR) at £625 per night at my local NHS hospital has been deemed a tad on the excessive side by Google Daddy-to-be.

Third up, it's also rumoured that Tina Hobley of Casualty fame, phoned The Ivy from her room in the Portland Hotel shortly after giving birth to her daughter and ordered a take out of 2 of their lovely shepherd's pies. I have made enquiries at the Ivy and apparently it's unlikely that they'll deliver to a non actress in an NHS hospital. Damn and blast.


I bet the Ivy in LA deliver to the Birthing Centre to the Stars aka the Cedars Sinai hospital where countless famous people have received the 5 star treatment in their multi-room bed suites whilst popping out celebrity babies whilst simultaneously negotiating multi million dollar exclusive picture rights with America’s OK! Magazine.


Suddenly, my rider of a pillow in a white Egyptian cotton pillow case (of not less that a 800 thread count), cashmere socks, Evian facial spritz, avocados and oat cakes, an M&S nightie and dressing gown, flip flops (for when I have to use the shared bathroom) and a bottle of Detox spray (to wipe the loo seat before I sit on the throne) seems positively basic!

High Maintenance? Moi??

Picture taken from HalfCrazyGirl's Photosream on Flickr

What's In Your Bag?

Right – it’s time to get serious. The due date is looming so I’ve got to get organized and to pack the hospital bag. I’m guessing I need a nightdress, toiletries, a book and a camera.

My mum, aka Google-Grannie-To-Be, laughed at this list when I told her and said at best I’d need a trashy magazine with lots of pictures and minimal text as the chances of reading a book at any stage in the foreseeable future were slim to say the least. She also said that I might want to think about packing a few things for the baby.

She is such a know it all….

Anyway, those who know me know that I don’t do packing. It’s a chore too far. I’ll organize and book holidays, but I don’t do packing. Thankfully, the husband, aka Google-Daddy-To-Be, is a LEGEND at packing. I sit and point at things that I need to take away and, hey presto, 30 minutes after we arrive at our destination, all my clothes, shoes, toiletries, bags etc are unpacked and ready to use. It really is a skill that every girl should insist on in a husband.

So, I’m hoping he’s going to extend this 'packing for holiday' skill to 'packing for hospital', although this is not without risk given that neither of us have ever stayed in hospital before so we’re not really sure what we need.

Google to the rescue! This time in the shape of Little Stork who prepare and pack your hospital bag for you. They do four different bags: Essential, Original, Deluxe and Mother of All Bags. Guess which one appeals to me?

I’m loving the going home outfits for baby and mum – and there’s even stuff for the new Daddy. It is the celebrity hospital bag du jour and apparently loved/used by Gwen Stefani, Brooke Shields, Martina McBride, Marcia Cross, Rosa Blasi, Michelle Williams and Jaime Pressly. (Does it matter that I don’t know who all those people are?).

This is an American based company, but surely there is a market for one here in the UK. I think Google-Daddy-To-Be should consider a career change….

Picture taken from Rosemea's Photostream on Flickr

Boy or Girl? Part One.

If I had a pound every time someone asked me ‘Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?’ during my pregnancy, then I would never need to go back to work. Surprisingly, most people have been really irritated when I tell them I don’t know. Their initial response is disbelief, so they ask again. When they realize that you really don’t know, then they ask ‘Did you not find out at your 20 week scan?’. Erm, still no!

Anyway, if I had found out at the 20 week scan then I would have missed out on the constant speculation by random people as to whether it is a boy or a girl. If I had a pound every time someone told me ‘It is definitely a girl’ or ‘It’s definitely a boy’ then my husband and I would both be able to give up work.

Still, I love hearing all the different old wives tales that are apparent indicators as to whether you’re having a boy or a girl. Some of my faves are:

Shape of your bump. If your bump is all at the front and high, it’s a boy. If you have gone lardy all around, including not just your belly but also your back and arse, it’s a girl. Hmm, not sure about this one! What if you were lardy to start off with? What if your baby engages early and so sits low? My bump is all at the front and quite high, so this means boy, but then my baby is currently in breech position and hasn’t engaged. Surely that is a more credible reason for the bump being all front and high!

The Mayan Method. The Mayans determined the sex of the baby by taking the mother's age at conception, and the year of conception. If both are even or both are odd, it's a girl. If one is even and one odd it's a boy. I’m 34 and conceived in 2007. So this one says it’s a boy.

Heartbeat of the baby. The fetal heart beat, as taken by your midwife in your antenatal appointments, is apparently a great indicator of the sex of the baby. 140 beats per minute and below means it’s a boy and 140 and above means it’s a girl. According to my midwife, there is some mileage in this! So get checking your antenatal book! My baby’s heart rate has been in both the 130 and 140+ range so he/she isn’t giving much away!

The swinging wedding ring. A wedding ring suspended on a chain over your stomach will swing either side to side or in a circle to indicate boy or girl. A few of my friends have done this on me. One couldn’t remember if circle meant boy or girl, the other said circle for boy and side to side for girl and the last one side circle for girl and side to side for boy! So, in the face of such utter confusion, I turned to Google to find the answer.
Now, I assumed that this confusion spoke volumes about by friends rather than the test but apparently not! This confusion has been validated by Google! I found three separate articles about this, two of which said side to side meant boy and one of which said it meant girl. Best we ignore this one then!

But!!!! More importantly, when I was having a scoot on Google for boy –v- girl tests, I did find the IntelliGender Gender Prediction Test.

How good is this?? Pee on a stick and in less than 10 minutes, you’ll find out if it’s a boy or a girl! It’s witchcraft!

Apparently, yellow/orange means girls and smoky green means boy (that’s smoky green, not just green, mind!). I can’t help thinking that if they were REALLY clever, it’d be pink for a girl and blue for a boy, but maybe I’m going a bit too far there.

Unfortunately, I’m passed the 33 week time scale but for all you ladies that aren’t – order it, have a go and let me know once you’re baby arrives if it worked!

Photo taken from 2002ttory's photostream on Flickr