Parenting The Google Way Begins

My first problem to Google has two parts:

Part One - Why Are So Many People Stupid?

Part Two - Said Stupid People have asked me “What on earth will you do when you’re off work before the baby arrives. Won’t you be bored?”

Erm.
Dur!
Hello??

Free time. Away from work. Whilst still being paid.
Bored??
ARE YOU INSANE???

Time off on maternity leave before the baby arrives is fabulous!

Admittedly, I’m big and fat and slow and need to take regular rests but that’s what’s so great about shops, restaurants and coffee shops. No one challenges a pregnant lady. I had a lie down on a bed in a posh department store the other day. I lay there, propped up by countless fluffy pillows and read my book and drank a bottle of water. I chilled out for about 20 minutes. Did anyone bother me? Not a chance! The bump repels people! They are scared you'll cry or go into labour!

Anyway, I digress. I was talking about stupid people. I Googled 'Why are some people stupid' and I’m afraid Google did not enlighten me much. But, it’s not really a parenting question, so I’ll let it off.

So, then I Googled, ‘What to do on maternity before baby arrives’.

Apparently, there are LOTS of stupid people in the world as Google came back with pages and pages of hits on what to do. One article at Babyzone.com came up with a whole host of ideas, which fell into two categories. (1) The Obvious and (2) The Ridiculous. You can read the whole article here

But to surmise….

(1) The Obvious

· Soak in a bath. Put lots of oils in and make like a hippo in the midday sun and wallow in the water.

· Indulge in a favourite hobby/pastime. Yes – you read it right. GO SHOPPING

· Plan a picnic. AKA eat lots of food.

· Catch up with friends. The natural balance of friendship returns. They still secretly think you look fat even though they say you are blooming. You don't give a stuff what they think as you no longer have to go to work and they do. Mwaaaa haaa haaaa haaaaaa.

· Have a good laugh. See above.

· Buy a nursing bra. There's no excuse for saggy boobs, ladies. Get it sorted.

· Visit the hairdressers. Go on. Get your hair dyed purple just for a laugh and blame it on your hormones.

· Have a manicure and pedicure.

· Have a massage. Just make sure the person knows what they are doing!

· Sleep. Yes, yes, yes, yes! Marvellous idea. Stock up on it while you can!


(2) The Ridiculous

· Meditation. Why oh why does everyone insist of peddling this myth that as soon you become pregnant you turn into this serene tree hugging earth mother with nothing better to do than meditate. Forget it. If you didn't meditate before, don't start now. Go shopping instead.

· Go to the Movies. Erm, really? Have you tried sitting in a confined space with a big belly ? Aching bum and dead legs here you come!

· Go on a hot date/romantic vacation. Seriously ladies, now is not the time to embark on an illicit affair. Nor is it likely that any airline will let you on a plane in your current state.

· Take Care of Business. Huh? You're pregnant. DELEGATE, DELEGATE, DELEGATE!


Tune in next time for a, hopefully, more challenging and interesting problem. Until then, get out and enjoy yourself!

Photo is from Women, Fire & Dangerous Things' photostream on Flickr and i think it's hilarious.

The Rules

Blagging motherhood is fractionally more serious than blagging in the business world so I’ve decided there have to be rules.

So, here they are:

1. All problems and queries must be Googled.


2. Once a solution is found via Google, it is OK to then diversify and look at other websites/books etc, but not before.

3. Clearly, these rules do not apply to medical emergencies

4. Unquestionably, I’m allowed a certain number of wild cards – i.e. I can phone my mum rather than Google if I’m knackered/hormonal/PMT/can’t be arsed Googling.


5. My husband is not allowed to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour because I am Parenting the Google Way.




6. I accept no responsibility whatsoever for the correctness or suitability of my, or Google's, suggestions and answers and will not be held accountable for any criticism you receive from health visitors. However, should they prove to be incredibly successful, I fully expect to receive all credit and praise via Comments.



7. Finally, it’s my blog and it’s my baby so all rules are subject to change at my discretion, should

I have the energy / be able to stay awake long enough to think of any new ones.





Image taken from Charith's photostream on Flickr.

Image on last blog taken from Emomilk's photostream on Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/emoware/

A Professional Blagger Blogs

I am a blagger. It’s my job. It should really be written on my business card. Professional Blagger BA Hons (Blagging). It’s what I do to pay the bills, but more than that, I do it because it’s fun and I enjoy it. For some reason, pretty much out of thin air, me and my friend Google come up with solutions for businesses all at a phenomenal cost. It’s not difficult. You really don’t need to know much about anything really. As Malcolm Forbes once said “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem”. Well, that pretty much sums up me and my job!

But my 9-5 is about to change.

In the next few weeks, I will, for 12 months, hang up my Professional Blagging Boots and instead become a full time mother. Yes, reader, I am about to walk away from the security of a slightly deranged but the ‘devil I know ‘office environment and walk blindly into my new role of motherhood.

When I first found out about the pregnancy, I took it as a sign to grow up and be serious. Time to stop making things up and blagging my way through life.

So, off I went to the book shop to find out how to raise a baby. There’s something about reading a book about that feels just……right. Like being at school. It makes sense that whatever is in the book is gospel. That’s it, it’s like the bible. It’s got to be right if it’s in a book.

Except, of course, it isn’t. Authors blag more than I do! You can say anything in a book and get away with it. Talk about confusing. Gina says this…. Dr Spock says that… Miriam says the other.. Supernanny says something altogether different… Aarrgh!

So, let’s rule out the pregnancy and parenting books. All of them. If they are full of blag then who’s to say that I can’t do better? Can I, a professional blagger, find the answers to successfully get through the first year of my baby’s life? Can I, armed with my trusty lap top, get through each dilemma and distraction the baby throws my way? Can Google give me the answer to every baby rearing dilemma?

We are about to find out……