I’ve got my first night out with the local ‘new mums’ tomorrow night and I’m beside myself with fear. Well, fears actually. One - What to wear. And Two, How to cope drinking more than half a glass of wine.
I’ve had nightmares about being dressed like Beth Ditto and the night ending in a pub brawl that I start.
Help me Google! I asked, ‘What to wear on my first night out since having a baby’.
What I really didn’t need Google to do was hit back with pictures of Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba and co on their first outings since having their babies. Have you seen them? Here’s a run down. They are dressed head to toe in fabulous designer (clean) clothes, have gorgeous, thick and bouncy hair and immaculate make up. Oh, and just in case you hadn't noticed, there's oodles of text on how quickly they snapped back to their quadruple zero figures immediately after giving birth.
I’ve had nightmares about being dressed like Beth Ditto and the night ending in a pub brawl that I start.
Help me Google! I asked, ‘What to wear on my first night out since having a baby’.
What I really didn’t need Google to do was hit back with pictures of Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba and co on their first outings since having their babies. Have you seen them? Here’s a run down. They are dressed head to toe in fabulous designer (clean) clothes, have gorgeous, thick and bouncy hair and immaculate make up. Oh, and just in case you hadn't noticed, there's oodles of text on how quickly they snapped back to their quadruple zero figures immediately after giving birth.
Hmm. I can only guess that Google is still a bit sore that I called it a kill joy and this is its way of getting back at me.
I’m also having boob issues. OK, so I always have boob issues so there’s nothing unusual in itself there but this time it’s different. This time the issue is, what the hell are you up to, boobs? What bloody size are you and why is one of you bigger than the other? I’ve sent off for a dozen or so bras to try and reign these puppies in and hope to god they arrive in time; otherwise I’ll be spending the evening with my arms folded. Which means I’ll then need to drink through a straw and I recall from my dim and distant Uni days that you get drunk even more quickly if you drink through a straw.
Let me confide in you…..I’m actually terrified at the prospect of going out drinking. I can’t remember the last time I went out drinking. Sure, I’ve had a few glasses of champers at home with Google Daddy and friends since Google Baby has arrived, but I haven’t been out drinking for well over a year. One drink is enough to make me drunk. The Russian roulette game here being - what kind of drunk? A happy, chatty drunk or a hormonal, emotional drunk who will cry at the drop of a wine glass. Place your bets now!
Is it possible to fake drinking? Should I pop into the bar before hand and pay the barman/woman off so that every time I ask for a G&T they just give me the tonic?
I asked Google how to fake drinking and it came up with a whole host of ways to fake your age so you can drink. Somehow, I suspect the endless sleepless nights have addressed any concerns I may have had of looking underage. The only other help was from a pregnancy website that recommended the old ‘I’m on antibiotics’ trick.
But, the thing is, I’d quite like a drink. A. One. Singular. And afterwards, I’d like to have a nice cup of tea and go to bed. Ideally by 10pm. And then sleep solidly until 7am.
What a night that would be!
I’m also having boob issues. OK, so I always have boob issues so there’s nothing unusual in itself there but this time it’s different. This time the issue is, what the hell are you up to, boobs? What bloody size are you and why is one of you bigger than the other? I’ve sent off for a dozen or so bras to try and reign these puppies in and hope to god they arrive in time; otherwise I’ll be spending the evening with my arms folded. Which means I’ll then need to drink through a straw and I recall from my dim and distant Uni days that you get drunk even more quickly if you drink through a straw.
Let me confide in you…..I’m actually terrified at the prospect of going out drinking. I can’t remember the last time I went out drinking. Sure, I’ve had a few glasses of champers at home with Google Daddy and friends since Google Baby has arrived, but I haven’t been out drinking for well over a year. One drink is enough to make me drunk. The Russian roulette game here being - what kind of drunk? A happy, chatty drunk or a hormonal, emotional drunk who will cry at the drop of a wine glass. Place your bets now!
Is it possible to fake drinking? Should I pop into the bar before hand and pay the barman/woman off so that every time I ask for a G&T they just give me the tonic?
I asked Google how to fake drinking and it came up with a whole host of ways to fake your age so you can drink. Somehow, I suspect the endless sleepless nights have addressed any concerns I may have had of looking underage. The only other help was from a pregnancy website that recommended the old ‘I’m on antibiotics’ trick.
But, the thing is, I’d quite like a drink. A. One. Singular. And afterwards, I’d like to have a nice cup of tea and go to bed. Ideally by 10pm. And then sleep solidly until 7am.
What a night that would be!
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1 comment:
I so get this!! My boobs were ENORMOUS and lop sided. Yup.
And... I just loathed the idea of going out when all I wanted was a quick drink and then Scarper Home. To that nice cup of tea... oh,dear, so different from BB (before babies)
But... you WILL have fun and you WILL want to stay out longer than 5 minutes. Cant wait to hear all about it. (sound like Cilla on Blind Date)
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